And here I am, in a room with a stranger

All I could sense was: Danger, danger!

One strange sentence…

One strange word…

And I’ll be in the “crazy” herd.

Oh, who am I, but a human

With feelings, thoughts, and hope…

And yet, they say

That I cannot cope.

And so it began, the Doc pulls

The ink blots, one by one,

Upon my eyes, I saw the strangeness…

Oh, this won’t be fun.

The ink became a soldier,

shooting its black stain upon my hands.

I stare at the man, he eyes my eyes.

I glance at my black fingertips.

What do you see?

Said the Ph.D.

I see: a rainbow flushed world,

Entering the bland room in craziness

Am I crazy? The Black soldier says:

Don’t fight this war.

The doctor eyes my head,

Envisioning my thoughts; what for?

This ink blot sets chains.

They don’t unlock, not just yet.

The man says: What do you see now?

Holding the empty card, but how?

The card reflects my un-relaxed brow,

My fixed pupils, my frown.

Silence in this room, no answer.

The card is put down, He thinks: there must be something “wrong” with her.

Shaking of the hands signals the final departure,

For I am not a captive, not in that room,

But still held chained in the inpatient grave

May I ever live again? Written on the forehead: “please save”

A true experience upon entering an inpatient unit where I was tested with the Rorschach ink blot test. It is not a weakness to have a mental illness, rather, it is something that builds strength to endure the most difficult of challenges in life. I am too polarized, maybe for my own good, but I will forever be charged to do greatness.

Peace & Love,

Dana Barakat

I don’t have many favorites, no favorite movie, song, or book. I tend to fall in love with everything I’m passionate about which makes it difficult to call only one thing my “favorite”. But I had a favorite crayon to color with when I was younger. That was the first and only favorite thing I ever had. Tickle Me Pink. That was the crayon I absolutely called my favorite. Everyone else loved “Sky Blue” and “Turquoise”, but Tickle Me Pink was too funny to love. That seems to be the theme of my life, that I tend to love things that no one finds special, and that I am different than the rest. Then, surely enough, everyone wanted to use “Tickle Me Pink” in my first grade class. We even tickled and got tickled, we had some great laughs and our innocence filled the classroom and in entered joy and bliss. So it happened to be that another theme from my life emerged: I was a leader, or someone people looked up to, someone people were willing to learn from. Although I didn’t intend for others to like “Tickle Me Pink” as a favorite crayon to use, they saw it as fun and instead of overlooking it they wanted to try using it. Thing is, I’ve been through times where I never thought I would be a leader, or at least someone people admired. I went through personal disasters, as we all do, but I was open about it all. I always told my story not for pity, not for recognition, not for anything but just talk it through and show others my life that I am human and that I have a story. And then, people started calling me “strong” and that I have persevered in such a way that seemed it wouldn’t be possible to do so. That’s when I realized that the Tickle Me Pink crayon isn’t my only favorite thing, it’s my resiliency. I love that about me and I can finally see it. I used to think “I’m getting through this because that’s what you are supposed to do”, but now I know, and will never forget, that I was able to get through it all because I put my mindset to be a survivor and to survive. And sometimes I wonder, how I get from Tickle Me Pink, the silly Dana that just had to stand out, to Resilient Dana, the one that always stands back up… the answer? Maybe it’s because I finally know who I am and I’ve come to a sense of self-actualization. Or, maybe, it’s because I now understand that if you’re going to have one favorite thing in this entire world, you better damn well make it YOUrself. I am my favorite thing in this universe without being self-absorbed, and I will always remember the 64-crayola crayons set and the one that stood out to me, Tickle Me Pink, which in turn helped me stand out in the world.

There are times where I wonder to myself: Do I like being single? The answer is not a simple yes or no. You see, sometimes it feels great because you can go about being single and ready to mingle. Then, other times, you look around at your friends who are in a relationship, married, or married and having kids and you start to feel… what’s the word… lonely. Then you being to wonder, do I like the single life?

The single life is complicated. Everyone around you asks “So, are you still single?” Or they get suddenly get enthusiastic and say “Hey, I know someone that you should meet!” Or they may even say “You’re so lucky you’re single, being in a relationship sucks.”

To all of those reactions, the single person feels conflicted emotions. What is so destructive about the single life is that singles tend to fantasize about the “perfect one” and get pickier by the day. It makes finding someone you will approve of as perfection near impossible. And then you wonder, again, “Why am I single?” without introspectively thinking that perhaps the expectations are too high, way past the limit.

So what is a single to do? Should the single life change into the “Taken Life”? Singles don’t want to end up getting into desperate relationships either. There seems to be a point where acceptance is key and to just let things happen on its own accord the only way to go. But it’s hard to accept the current state of affairs and not to get obsessive of what could be, or what might be.

As a single, I haven’t quite reached the acceptance stage. I’m currently in the stage of “I’m going to find my ideal guy one day! And that day is going to be sooner than later… I hope.” The scary thing about that is, well, maybe you’ll never find that perfect match, or maybe it’ll take longer than expected. So is it worth the wait? Should singles continuously wait, hope, dream, and fantasize about being in a relationship or just enjoy the moments as they come and go, whether or not it’s with a special someone? Answer to that, again, is complicated.

So, cheers to the single life and all the singles out there! Remember, being single can be awesome, and some days it can make you feel down, but overall, being single gives you the time to find yourself, be yourself, and do what you want to do, whether that be traveling, taking up hobbies and interests you always wanted to do, or just enjoying life… even if it’s the Single Life.

Most people have days where they are either happy, sad, or angry. Sometimes the emotions mesh, sometimes they don’t… all I can say is, I’m not most people unfortunately in this respect.

If I could have a week of just “most often than not I had good days / most often than not I had bad days” I would be satisfied. Instead, each day I feel so strongly, the emotions hit me deep where at every hour I am someone different feeling something different.

This quote hs been shared all over social media: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” When I read this, it resonated with me. I have a tendency to have an over imagination and feel too much. With each thought or moment comes a new feeling or sensation, something I cannot fully control.I’ve been told that I’m exuberant, full of life, but all over the place. I cannot deny that I’m not. “All over the place” describes me perfectly. No, I do not have attention difficulties or such, I just seem to be able to switch from one moment to the next and back in ease.

I’m all over the place especially when I’m having, what I call, an extreme “energy of creativity”. There are times when I get the urge to paint, to sketch, to draw, to craft, to cook and I get obsessive with making it all happen right at that moment. I get excited because an idea will pop into my head and I want to make that idea reality, and somehow I sometimes do. When I’m all over the place energetically and creatively I tend to make the most beautiful of things. Sometimes, however, my “masterpieces” don’t match up with my expectations and I get disappointed. In any case, I don’t deny that I can be all over the place. Sometimes it’s a beautiful thing, and other times it’s destructive.

Sometimes when I’m all over the place, one negative thought enters my head. Then two more, then three more… and all of a sudden I’m in a dark cloud of negativity that I somehow created. The cloud turns into a storm and I’m in the center of it. At this moment, I sometimes write, paint, sketch… but most often than not I catastrophes about the future, I dwell on the past, and I stop living in the present.

When the negativity is too overwhelming, I try to think of one thing that is positive, and then two more flow in, then three more, and the storm disappears and I’m back at the happy island. You see, all of this may happen within hours. It’s strange, it’s not ordinary, but it’s me. I’ve come to learn more about me everyday and try to embrace my quirks and my energy… me being all over the place especially.

Not everyone can relate, but I’m sure there is one person out there who does. As you know, by this blog’s title: Too Polarized, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 10 years ago. Some of what I described sounds similar to a hypomanic episode because sometimes they are. I tend to find that my bipolarity is actually what makes me interesting and intriguing to others and although the disorder can sometimes feel like hell, well, God knows it also feels like heaven.

I’m all over the place, and you are welcome to join me on my adventures.

Peace & Love

Dana

This world is as mysterious as can be. I’m a big believer in “energy”, positive and negative. This world, our world, happens to be a mixture of energies, where connections are made and the most unlikely of events happen in the most surprising ways.

What is it about the world that have these connections occur? Some may say it’s all written by God. Others say it’s destiny or fate, which we create on our own. I believe the universe has its own language that we have yet to understand. It also has a way with energy and connecting us with each other.

I’ve always wondered how the world works, for example, something as simple as “beginner’s luck”. It seems to happen most often than not. Why and how… who knows? And then when things connect like: You were thinking about a friend you haven’t seen in a while and wonder how they’re doing, next thing you know, you’re on the train and they are there.  It’s strange how small things and instances happen like that. Again, who really knows how and why? Is it important to know how and why?

Coincidences. Not sure if I truly believe in them. I’m also a believer that everything happens for a reason. This can’t be proven but I’m a firm believer in it. The interconnectedness in this world is magical, mysterious, and cannot be fully explained but it all somehow fits, each piece to the puzzle is put in place creating a wondrous scene of connection.

As I walk outside, amidst the nature around me, I gaze upon the beauty of Autumn. The beauty and art of letting go is what fall is all about. The leaves, one by one, eventually leave the branches to create a beautiful ground of yellows, reds, and browns… and as I walk, I find myself at peace.

You see, I haven’t felt at peace for quite some time. Letting go isn’t my strong suit. I’ve always wondered how to do so. I’ve figured out a way, but it’s my way… and here is what I do:

I think positive, therefore, I have positive self-talk. Not that “everything will be okay” but rather “It is OK, I’m going to make the best of what’s happening.” Second, I walk. Walking through nature connects us to the world around us, we become part of the great wonders that surround us. Have you ever felt, when you stand looking at the ocean, or when you are in an airplane looking down at the cities beneath you or at the sky’s clouds all around you, that you are so small compared to everything else? It’s a different feeling… usually, we feel we are on top of the world, that we matter most, that everything else is secondary. Then, when we see the vast sea or the sky above us we realize we are a part of the bigger picture. It puts things in perspective… we start to understand the interconnectedness between us all and nature. The third thing I do to gain serenity and peace within is actually by doing something external: writing. It’s expressive, it’s fun, and it’s magical. How can it be magical? Well, when you write you have the power to transform the writing into whatever you desire. Now isn’t that something? The last thing I do, and this is more recent, I try my best to not avoid my thoughts, whether positive or negative. I let it be. I don’t let it overwhelm me.

The Autumn leaves are falling and the art of letting go is happening all around us and within. Leave the bad behind, look forward to the good, and find that inner peace.

You know that thought that comes through your mind? The one that’s: I wonder what people say about me? Then you think to yourself: I don’t care what people think! In truth and reality we do care what others think of us, or rather, some individuals who matter to us.

Thing is, I was never quite sure what others thought of me or what they really thought of me.

And truth is, I do care sometimes because our behaviors and our presentation of who we are impacts those around us, and it’s never a bad idea to know if we are impacting others in a positive or negative way the majority of the time… basically what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t necessarily pay attention to gossip or rumors about you but if people sense you are ingenuous or rude or stuck up most of the time, well, it’s not a bad idea to adjust your presentation. THEN AGAIN… don’t modify who you are to fit into society’s “accepted roles and personalities”…. so then what’s the solution?

The solution isn’t clear or simple… it’s not black and white, it’s definitely shaded in gray. If others don’t like us, but we like ourselves, there isn’t a problem but if others dislike us and we find it difficult to maintain friendships or connect with others, it might be a sign to change one’s interpersonal skills.

The title of this post is “Everyone Talks” because I originally wanted to write about how people, especially those who have too much free time, tend to talk about others in such a negative fashion rather than point out the positives and the commendable aspects of others. People talk and criticize whether you do something good or bad, whether you get married or divorced, whether you get a job or switch careers, go to college or start a business, have children or decide not to, etc. It’s unfortunate that people talk so negatively in such high passions when that energy and time can be directed elsewhere.

Thing is, I know I’m different and I think outside the box and my views aren’t generally accepted and I’m not going to say “F*ck what people say, I don’t care.” because we all care in some capacity. However, what I do not care for is others talking about me behind my back about me… but I can’t stop that, what I suggest instead is open communication (aka, say it to my face). But if that can’t be done, not much I can do.

In short, everyone talks, but if only everyone used that time for a greater purpose, we’d all be talking about that instead.

         Love is crucial. Love is great. Love is equivalent to having everything you want and need but without paying a penny. Love is feeling safe, secure, and cared for, owing absolutely nothing. And you can tell when someone is in love by looking in their eyes, for eyes, at times, are the window to the soul.

A lover’s eyes sparkle with bliss and light up with luminous magic. Only thing about magic is that, one day, the spell ceases to exist. And that happens with those in love: eventually they grow apart or move on from each other. That sparkle, that magical spell, is broken and all you have left are eyes that continuously make tears down the broken-hearted cheeks.

Have you ever had that look in your eyes, where everyone can “see it all over your face”? I have too. And the look in the eyes of the person you love is full of wonder and excitement, lust and infatuation, and amazement. Then, the look in their eyes, one day, if it all ends, vanishes and they’re back to the normal day-by-day eye gaze.

I had that look in my eyes, then, it was swept away as life willed it to be. Why does love do that? Why does it give us “that look in our eyes”? Why is love so great but when it’s all over and done it’s the most devastating feeling to encounter, alongside that look in our eyes completely leaving us only to cry instead.

So, if you love, love to make it last. Let the look in your eyes stay magical, a spell that can never be broken. And yet, finding the person that will cast that spell isn’t all that easy. In fact, it’s one of life’s greatest journeys… finding that everlasting love. The next time you have that look in your eyes, make it so it is forever and always.

It may not be so, but I feel like I’m right smack dab in the middle of life. I’m a quarter of a century old and in 5 years I’ll be 30, seems far away but in reality 5 years these days is equivalent to 2 years. Life, for myself and everyone else on this planet, has been a journey or laughter, tears, good times and painful times which all have lead to becoming past memories that we can’t let go of no matter how hard we try.

So I’m 25. I can’t wrap that around my head, especially since I still feel and “believe” I’m 21. Life for me started out blissful. An only child with parents who adored her (still do of course), spoiled beyond anyone can imagine, and just a happy little girl with big hopes and dreams. I always imagined that at 22 I’d be married, the same age my mother got married, actually 22 and a half to be exact. Then at 24 I’d start a family and life would be oh so good.

Well, I hate to break it to you past Dana, but I’m 25 and rather than married, I’m divorced, and rather than starting a family I still haven’t even found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not what I imagined I’d be. I’m quite the opposite. But, to be honest, I’m far greater than I ever thought I could be.

Strength. That’s my number one quality, the one thing that I have that has gotten me through all of the… and excuse my language, but the bullshit I had to endure. I’ve made it over hurdles, mountains, and the trail of tribulations. It wasn’t easy, and nor was it pretty, but I did it, and I made it, and I’m here able to write about it.

So I’m 25… about to start life anew. In 5 years, hopefully I’ll be Dr. Dana Barakat if all goes well. And in that time, I’ll continue on the journey of helping others. I find it a humbling endeavor, psychology I mean. It is wonderful to help people, however, it’s even more amazing how others are willing to include me into their life and let them in on their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses, their secrets, things they are ashamed of… It is such a humbling adventure. Never forget that helping others should increase your humility and your wanting to do more.

So, the life lessons I’ve learned at 25 include a few: Look back only to realize how much further you can go, move forward, and you won’t regret a thing. Another life lesson is that you need to embrace your qualities that got you to where you are and you must nourish them to keep them alive. And the third life lesson is that through all the bullshit we go through, just remember: You are here, you made it, and you’re still fighting which means one thing and one thing only: You are strong, and your strength is something you’ve got to know you have it.

So yes I am not the Dana I thought I’d be when I was 10 years old. Then again, at 10, we fantasize and don’t think of reality, so, I haven’t failed the young Dana, rather, I’m making the best of my reality.

If I were to give one piece of advice that I haven’t already given it would be: Take care of yourself in ways you know how. Comfort yourself, have positive self-talk, forgive yourself, and most importantly Love yourself. It is so easy to fall in love with others, but falling in love with ourselves is a great challenge that I know we can all overcome.

#25 #QuarterOfACenturyBringsWisdom #LifeLessonsAt25