Most people have days where they are either happy, sad, or angry. Sometimes the emotions mesh, sometimes they don’t… all I can say is, I’m not most people unfortunately in this respect.

If I could have a week of just “most often than not I had good days / most often than not I had bad days” I would be satisfied. Instead, each day I feel so strongly, the emotions hit me deep where at every hour I am someone different feeling something different.

This quote hs been shared all over social media: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” When I read this, it resonated with me. I have a tendency to have an over imagination and feel too much. With each thought or moment comes a new feeling or sensation, something I cannot fully control.I’ve been told that I’m exuberant, full of life, but all over the place. I cannot deny that I’m not. “All over the place” describes me perfectly. No, I do not have attention difficulties or such, I just seem to be able to switch from one moment to the next and back in ease.

I’m all over the place especially when I’m having, what I call, an extreme “energy of creativity”. There are times when I get the urge to paint, to sketch, to draw, to craft, to cook and I get obsessive with making it all happen right at that moment. I get excited because an idea will pop into my head and I want to make that idea reality, and somehow I sometimes do. When I’m all over the place energetically and creatively I tend to make the most beautiful of things. Sometimes, however, my “masterpieces” don’t match up with my expectations and I get disappointed. In any case, I don’t deny that I can be all over the place. Sometimes it’s a beautiful thing, and other times it’s destructive.

Sometimes when I’m all over the place, one negative thought enters my head. Then two more, then three more… and all of a sudden I’m in a dark cloud of negativity that I somehow created. The cloud turns into a storm and I’m in the center of it. At this moment, I sometimes write, paint, sketch… but most often than not I catastrophes about the future, I dwell on the past, and I stop living in the present.

When the negativity is too overwhelming, I try to think of one thing that is positive, and then two more flow in, then three more, and the storm disappears and I’m back at the happy island. You see, all of this may happen within hours. It’s strange, it’s not ordinary, but it’s me. I’ve come to learn more about me everyday and try to embrace my quirks and my energy… me being all over the place especially.

Not everyone can relate, but I’m sure there is one person out there who does. As you know, by this blog’s title: Too Polarized, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 10 years ago. Some of what I described sounds similar to a hypomanic episode because sometimes they are. I tend to find that my bipolarity is actually what makes me interesting and intriguing to others and although the disorder can sometimes feel like hell, well, God knows it also feels like heaven.

I’m all over the place, and you are welcome to join me on my adventures.

Peace & Love

Dana

This world is as mysterious as can be. I’m a big believer in “energy”, positive and negative. This world, our world, happens to be a mixture of energies, where connections are made and the most unlikely of events happen in the most surprising ways.

What is it about the world that have these connections occur? Some may say it’s all written by God. Others say it’s destiny or fate, which we create on our own. I believe the universe has its own language that we have yet to understand. It also has a way with energy and connecting us with each other.

I’ve always wondered how the world works, for example, something as simple as “beginner’s luck”. It seems to happen most often than not. Why and how… who knows? And then when things connect like: You were thinking about a friend you haven’t seen in a while and wonder how they’re doing, next thing you know, you’re on the train and they are there.  It’s strange how small things and instances happen like that. Again, who really knows how and why? Is it important to know how and why?

Coincidences. Not sure if I truly believe in them. I’m also a believer that everything happens for a reason. This can’t be proven but I’m a firm believer in it. The interconnectedness in this world is magical, mysterious, and cannot be fully explained but it all somehow fits, each piece to the puzzle is put in place creating a wondrous scene of connection.

As I walk outside, amidst the nature around me, I gaze upon the beauty of Autumn. The beauty and art of letting go is what fall is all about. The leaves, one by one, eventually leave the branches to create a beautiful ground of yellows, reds, and browns… and as I walk, I find myself at peace.

You see, I haven’t felt at peace for quite some time. Letting go isn’t my strong suit. I’ve always wondered how to do so. I’ve figured out a way, but it’s my way… and here is what I do:

I think positive, therefore, I have positive self-talk. Not that “everything will be okay” but rather “It is OK, I’m going to make the best of what’s happening.” Second, I walk. Walking through nature connects us to the world around us, we become part of the great wonders that surround us. Have you ever felt, when you stand looking at the ocean, or when you are in an airplane looking down at the cities beneath you or at the sky’s clouds all around you, that you are so small compared to everything else? It’s a different feeling… usually, we feel we are on top of the world, that we matter most, that everything else is secondary. Then, when we see the vast sea or the sky above us we realize we are a part of the bigger picture. It puts things in perspective… we start to understand the interconnectedness between us all and nature. The third thing I do to gain serenity and peace within is actually by doing something external: writing. It’s expressive, it’s fun, and it’s magical. How can it be magical? Well, when you write you have the power to transform the writing into whatever you desire. Now isn’t that something? The last thing I do, and this is more recent, I try my best to not avoid my thoughts, whether positive or negative. I let it be. I don’t let it overwhelm me.

The Autumn leaves are falling and the art of letting go is happening all around us and within. Leave the bad behind, look forward to the good, and find that inner peace.

You know that thought that comes through your mind? The one that’s: I wonder what people say about me? Then you think to yourself: I don’t care what people think! In truth and reality we do care what others think of us, or rather, some individuals who matter to us.

Thing is, I was never quite sure what others thought of me or what they really thought of me.

And truth is, I do care sometimes because our behaviors and our presentation of who we are impacts those around us, and it’s never a bad idea to know if we are impacting others in a positive or negative way the majority of the time… basically what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t necessarily pay attention to gossip or rumors about you but if people sense you are ingenuous or rude or stuck up most of the time, well, it’s not a bad idea to adjust your presentation. THEN AGAIN… don’t modify who you are to fit into society’s “accepted roles and personalities”…. so then what’s the solution?

The solution isn’t clear or simple… it’s not black and white, it’s definitely shaded in gray. If others don’t like us, but we like ourselves, there isn’t a problem but if others dislike us and we find it difficult to maintain friendships or connect with others, it might be a sign to change one’s interpersonal skills.

The title of this post is “Everyone Talks” because I originally wanted to write about how people, especially those who have too much free time, tend to talk about others in such a negative fashion rather than point out the positives and the commendable aspects of others. People talk and criticize whether you do something good or bad, whether you get married or divorced, whether you get a job or switch careers, go to college or start a business, have children or decide not to, etc. It’s unfortunate that people talk so negatively in such high passions when that energy and time can be directed elsewhere.

Thing is, I know I’m different and I think outside the box and my views aren’t generally accepted and I’m not going to say “F*ck what people say, I don’t care.” because we all care in some capacity. However, what I do not care for is others talking about me behind my back about me… but I can’t stop that, what I suggest instead is open communication (aka, say it to my face). But if that can’t be done, not much I can do.

In short, everyone talks, but if only everyone used that time for a greater purpose, we’d all be talking about that instead.

         Love is crucial. Love is great. Love is equivalent to having everything you want and need but without paying a penny. Love is feeling safe, secure, and cared for, owing absolutely nothing. And you can tell when someone is in love by looking in their eyes, for eyes, at times, are the window to the soul.

A lover’s eyes sparkle with bliss and light up with luminous magic. Only thing about magic is that, one day, the spell ceases to exist. And that happens with those in love: eventually they grow apart or move on from each other. That sparkle, that magical spell, is broken and all you have left are eyes that continuously make tears down the broken-hearted cheeks.

Have you ever had that look in your eyes, where everyone can “see it all over your face”? I have too. And the look in the eyes of the person you love is full of wonder and excitement, lust and infatuation, and amazement. Then, the look in their eyes, one day, if it all ends, vanishes and they’re back to the normal day-by-day eye gaze.

I had that look in my eyes, then, it was swept away as life willed it to be. Why does love do that? Why does it give us “that look in our eyes”? Why is love so great but when it’s all over and done it’s the most devastating feeling to encounter, alongside that look in our eyes completely leaving us only to cry instead.

So, if you love, love to make it last. Let the look in your eyes stay magical, a spell that can never be broken. And yet, finding the person that will cast that spell isn’t all that easy. In fact, it’s one of life’s greatest journeys… finding that everlasting love. The next time you have that look in your eyes, make it so it is forever and always.

It may not be so, but I feel like I’m right smack dab in the middle of life. I’m a quarter of a century old and in 5 years I’ll be 30, seems far away but in reality 5 years these days is equivalent to 2 years. Life, for myself and everyone else on this planet, has been a journey or laughter, tears, good times and painful times which all have lead to becoming past memories that we can’t let go of no matter how hard we try.

So I’m 25. I can’t wrap that around my head, especially since I still feel and “believe” I’m 21. Life for me started out blissful. An only child with parents who adored her (still do of course), spoiled beyond anyone can imagine, and just a happy little girl with big hopes and dreams. I always imagined that at 22 I’d be married, the same age my mother got married, actually 22 and a half to be exact. Then at 24 I’d start a family and life would be oh so good.

Well, I hate to break it to you past Dana, but I’m 25 and rather than married, I’m divorced, and rather than starting a family I still haven’t even found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not what I imagined I’d be. I’m quite the opposite. But, to be honest, I’m far greater than I ever thought I could be.

Strength. That’s my number one quality, the one thing that I have that has gotten me through all of the… and excuse my language, but the bullshit I had to endure. I’ve made it over hurdles, mountains, and the trail of tribulations. It wasn’t easy, and nor was it pretty, but I did it, and I made it, and I’m here able to write about it.

So I’m 25… about to start life anew. In 5 years, hopefully I’ll be Dr. Dana Barakat if all goes well. And in that time, I’ll continue on the journey of helping others. I find it a humbling endeavor, psychology I mean. It is wonderful to help people, however, it’s even more amazing how others are willing to include me into their life and let them in on their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses, their secrets, things they are ashamed of… It is such a humbling adventure. Never forget that helping others should increase your humility and your wanting to do more.

So, the life lessons I’ve learned at 25 include a few: Look back only to realize how much further you can go, move forward, and you won’t regret a thing. Another life lesson is that you need to embrace your qualities that got you to where you are and you must nourish them to keep them alive. And the third life lesson is that through all the bullshit we go through, just remember: You are here, you made it, and you’re still fighting which means one thing and one thing only: You are strong, and your strength is something you’ve got to know you have it.

So yes I am not the Dana I thought I’d be when I was 10 years old. Then again, at 10, we fantasize and don’t think of reality, so, I haven’t failed the young Dana, rather, I’m making the best of my reality.

If I were to give one piece of advice that I haven’t already given it would be: Take care of yourself in ways you know how. Comfort yourself, have positive self-talk, forgive yourself, and most importantly Love yourself. It is so easy to fall in love with others, but falling in love with ourselves is a great challenge that I know we can all overcome.

#25 #QuarterOfACenturyBringsWisdom #LifeLessonsAt25

As we know, tabloids and magazines constantly feature celebrities and the “latest gossip”. This also exists for certain communities where people or groups are made out to be the topic of the month or perhaps for years to come. Many of us agree that people deserve privacy and violation against one’s privacy is not only in some cases illegal but just wrong.

I then ask the question: Why? Why do some communities simulate the gossip networks and highlight other’s shortcomings putting them right into the spotlight? What good does it do to expose others?

That is a question I have yet to fully answer, but I do know this: Being in the spotlight is anything but fun and once you’re in it, you’ll forever be changed.

I’ve been in the spotlight myself, a few times here and there. It was brutal. I was embarrassed of myself, I felt pressured to explain my “side of the story”, and worst of all I felt completely isolated from the community around me that I thought would protect me (rather, they exposed me). Those who are fortunate enough not being in the spotlight, try to understand the lives of those who are or were.

It changes you, it really does. It certainly changed me. I have a certain paranoia when it comes to people, situations, basically the environment around me. I have, and I’m sure it’s obvious: TRUST ISSUES. We all have our trust issues, but this heightens the level of mistrust with others. When the community betrays you, you succumb to these feelings of paranoia and mistrust, and even become less happy. I am not insinuating that less happy equals depression but it can certainly impact one’s mood. I never want to be in the spotlight, even for good (yes, the evil eye is scary! beware!).

If I could get some answers as to why we become the tabloids in our communities, why we expose others, and why we isolate and ostracize others even though the story is almost always not what it seems to be, then maybe we’ll get somewhere. Maybe we’ll get to a place where we are satisfied with ourselves that we don’t need other people’s stories and lives to satisfy us and entertain our egos.

What’s it like, being in the spotlight? Like absolute hell.

Dana Barakat

Our society has become more aware of the importance of gender equality. And yet, it is apparent that those who are spreading the awareness are mainly women themselves.

Whenever women are told and reminded that they are indeed a woman it becomes degrading, pointing out the obvious but in a manner where it is clearly the downgraded version of man.

I am here to tell you that I am not just a woman. I am a artist, a writer, a student, a friend, a sister, a daughter, an optimist or realist (depending on my days), a clinician to be, a lover of psychology, and many many more.

When we keep reminding women and girls that this is all they are just a female we perpetuate the gender inequality, male patriarchy, and utter stupidity. It is stupid to denounce the entirety of a human being and simplify their existence by their sex. Let’s wake up and take control. Yes, I’m speaking first and foremost to us “women”. And to the men join in on this journey, because whether or not it is accepted it will happen. The world cannot function to its best potential if we don’t work together, recognize each other, support each other, and actually see each other as equals.

Here is an original poem on this topic:

Would you look at that? 

There she walks

So bold, so fast, fierce

And all they see is her movement.

Her face, her eyes, her lips…

But they forget to see what I clearly visualize:

A woman with a brain, intellect, personality

And then they turned around after she stopped walking

They said “Hey, woman! Keep on moving!”

And she said “Hey! Woah man, I’m not just a woman.

I am more than you’ll ever know and what you aspire to be

I will keep on moving, but for me.

Peace & Love

Dana

Sometimes I feel like they just don’t understand me. And then that thought amplifies where I start thinking that nobody understands me or has the capability to do so.

Sometimes I want to be understood. Other times I just want to be heard. But most often I just want more than a nod and a smile and the phrase “Yeah, I totally understand.” Do you? Do you really understand?

And then I get to more thinking… maybe nobody has to understand. Maybe our experiences are so diverse and distinct from one another that true and pure understanding is impossible to achieve.

And then, of course, I start to understand. Our experiences and challenges may be “different” but they have a basis in emotion(s). All experiences bounce off of fear, happiness, anger, sadness, or all of them combined or some at the same time. So what does that mean? Well… it means that even though I can’t fully relate to your world and what happens in it, I have the ability to somehow understand your feelings and emotions and connect from there.

Now, the real challenge is having someone that wants to listen, reflect, and understand. Do you want to understand others? Not simply putting yourself in their shoes or heels or whatever but really delving right into their world and making sense of another’s life. Sounds fascinating. Sounds interesting. And sounds like a lot of damn hard work. But is it worth it? Is it worth it to understand others, yourself, or me?

I believe that we don’t always need to have a total and complete understanding of ourselves because we can be lost sometimes. Nevertheless, understanding yourself can do wonders. Building from that, if you can understand you and be introspective others can start to understand you as well.

If you don’t know me personally, you might be asking yourself: why does this girl write about this stuff? Answer to that: Because my mind wanders extensively and here’s a snapshot of what I mean: First I’ll be thinking of spring then remember in May is my birthday, then all of a sudden I connect that with birthday balloons and remember how my youngest sister got balloons for her birthday and how happy she was, and then I take it further and think about her smile and how much I love her and then I end the thought with how I was the first one to feed her when she born and how amazing it was. Yeah, my mind goes all over the place and the thoughts I express are in the moment, just like that. I hope you understand me in that sense.

Understand me. Figure me out. Understand others. And most importantly understand yourself.

Peace & Love

Dana Barakat