Most people have days where they are either happy, sad, or angry. Sometimes the emotions mesh, sometimes they don’t… all I can say is, I’m not most people unfortunately in this respect.

If I could have a week of just “most often than not I had good days / most often than not I had bad days” I would be satisfied. Instead, each day I feel so strongly, the emotions hit me deep where at every hour I am someone different feeling something different.

This quote hs been shared all over social media: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” When I read this, it resonated with me. I have a tendency to have an over imagination and feel too much. With each thought or moment comes a new feeling or sensation, something I cannot fully control.I’ve been told that I’m exuberant, full of life, but all over the place. I cannot deny that I’m not. “All over the place” describes me perfectly. No, I do not have attention difficulties or such, I just seem to be able to switch from one moment to the next and back in ease.

I’m all over the place especially when I’m having, what I call, an extreme “energy of creativity”. There are times when I get the urge to paint, to sketch, to draw, to craft, to cook and I get obsessive with making it all happen right at that moment. I get excited because an idea will pop into my head and I want to make that idea reality, and somehow I sometimes do. When I’m all over the place energetically and creatively I tend to make the most beautiful of things. Sometimes, however, my “masterpieces” don’t match up with my expectations and I get disappointed. In any case, I don’t deny that I can be all over the place. Sometimes it’s a beautiful thing, and other times it’s destructive.

Sometimes when I’m all over the place, one negative thought enters my head. Then two more, then three more… and all of a sudden I’m in a dark cloud of negativity that I somehow created. The cloud turns into a storm and I’m in the center of it. At this moment, I sometimes write, paint, sketch… but most often than not I catastrophes about the future, I dwell on the past, and I stop living in the present.

When the negativity is too overwhelming, I try to think of one thing that is positive, and then two more flow in, then three more, and the storm disappears and I’m back at the happy island. You see, all of this may happen within hours. It’s strange, it’s not ordinary, but it’s me. I’ve come to learn more about me everyday and try to embrace my quirks and my energy… me being all over the place especially.

Not everyone can relate, but I’m sure there is one person out there who does. As you know, by this blog’s title: Too Polarized, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 10 years ago. Some of what I described sounds similar to a hypomanic episode because sometimes they are. I tend to find that my bipolarity is actually what makes me interesting and intriguing to others and although the disorder can sometimes feel like hell, well, God knows it also feels like heaven.

I’m all over the place, and you are welcome to join me on my adventures.

Peace & Love

Dana