Most people have days where they are either happy, sad, or angry. Sometimes the emotions mesh, sometimes they don’t… all I can say is, I’m not most people unfortunately in this respect.

If I could have a week of just “most often than not I had good days / most often than not I had bad days” I would be satisfied. Instead, each day I feel so strongly, the emotions hit me deep where at every hour I am someone different feeling something different.

This quote hs been shared all over social media: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” When I read this, it resonated with me. I have a tendency to have an over imagination and feel too much. With each thought or moment comes a new feeling or sensation, something I cannot fully control.I’ve been told that I’m exuberant, full of life, but all over the place. I cannot deny that I’m not. “All over the place” describes me perfectly. No, I do not have attention difficulties or such, I just seem to be able to switch from one moment to the next and back in ease.

I’m all over the place especially when I’m having, what I call, an extreme “energy of creativity”. There are times when I get the urge to paint, to sketch, to draw, to craft, to cook and I get obsessive with making it all happen right at that moment. I get excited because an idea will pop into my head and I want to make that idea reality, and somehow I sometimes do. When I’m all over the place energetically and creatively I tend to make the most beautiful of things. Sometimes, however, my “masterpieces” don’t match up with my expectations and I get disappointed. In any case, I don’t deny that I can be all over the place. Sometimes it’s a beautiful thing, and other times it’s destructive.

Sometimes when I’m all over the place, one negative thought enters my head. Then two more, then three more… and all of a sudden I’m in a dark cloud of negativity that I somehow created. The cloud turns into a storm and I’m in the center of it. At this moment, I sometimes write, paint, sketch… but most often than not I catastrophes about the future, I dwell on the past, and I stop living in the present.

When the negativity is too overwhelming, I try to think of one thing that is positive, and then two more flow in, then three more, and the storm disappears and I’m back at the happy island. You see, all of this may happen within hours. It’s strange, it’s not ordinary, but it’s me. I’ve come to learn more about me everyday and try to embrace my quirks and my energy… me being all over the place especially.

Not everyone can relate, but I’m sure there is one person out there who does. As you know, by this blog’s title: Too Polarized, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 10 years ago. Some of what I described sounds similar to a hypomanic episode because sometimes they are. I tend to find that my bipolarity is actually what makes me interesting and intriguing to others and although the disorder can sometimes feel like hell, well, God knows it also feels like heaven.

I’m all over the place, and you are welcome to join me on my adventures.

Peace & Love

Dana

This world is as mysterious as can be. I’m a big believer in “energy”, positive and negative. This world, our world, happens to be a mixture of energies, where connections are made and the most unlikely of events happen in the most surprising ways.

What is it about the world that have these connections occur? Some may say it’s all written by God. Others say it’s destiny or fate, which we create on our own. I believe the universe has its own language that we have yet to understand. It also has a way with energy and connecting us with each other.

I’ve always wondered how the world works, for example, something as simple as “beginner’s luck”. It seems to happen most often than not. Why and how… who knows? And then when things connect like: You were thinking about a friend you haven’t seen in a while and wonder how they’re doing, next thing you know, you’re on the train and they are there.  It’s strange how small things and instances happen like that. Again, who really knows how and why? Is it important to know how and why?

Coincidences. Not sure if I truly believe in them. I’m also a believer that everything happens for a reason. This can’t be proven but I’m a firm believer in it. The interconnectedness in this world is magical, mysterious, and cannot be fully explained but it all somehow fits, each piece to the puzzle is put in place creating a wondrous scene of connection.

 

 

 

As I walk outside, amidst the nature around me, I gaze upon the beauty of Autumn. The beauty and art of letting go is what fall is all about. The leaves, one by one, eventually leave the branches to create a beautiful ground of yellows, reds, and browns… and as I walk, I find myself at peace.

You see, I haven’t felt at peace for quite some time. Letting go isn’t my strong suit. I’ve always wondered how to do so. I’ve figured out a way, but it’s my way… and here is what I do:

I think positive, therefore, I have positive self-talk. Not that “everything will be okay” but rather “It is OK, I’m going to make the best of what’s happening.” Second, I walk. Walking through nature connects us to the world around us, we become part of the great wonders that surround us. Have you ever felt, when you stand looking at the ocean, or when you are in an airplane looking down at the cities beneath you or at the sky’s clouds all around you, that you are so small compared to everything else? It’s a different feeling… usually, we feel we are on top of the world, that we matter most, that everything else is secondary. Then, when we see the vast sea or the sky above us we realize we are a part of the bigger picture. It puts things in perspective… we start to understand the interconnectedness between us all and nature. The third thing I do to gain serenity and peace within is actually by doing something external: writing. It’s expressive, it’s fun, and it’s magical. How can it be magical? Well, when you write you have the power to transform the writing into whatever you desire. Now isn’t that something? The last thing I do, and this is more recent, I try my best to not avoid my thoughts, whether positive or negative. I let it be. I don’t let it overwhelm me.

The Autumn leaves are falling and the art of letting go is happening all around us and within. Leave the bad behind, look forward to the good, and find that inner peace.